As women, we are often socialized to be nurturers, peacemakers, and selfless caregivers. While these qualities are beautiful, they can sometimes lead to a silent struggle: the inability to set clear, healthy boundaries in our relationships. We might fear being seen as “selfish” or “difficult,” and in doing so, we often lose our own voice, energy, and sense of self.
Here in Mission Hills, San Diego, many women share similar stories of feeling overwhelmed by the “mental load” of relationships—whether with partners, family, friends, or even colleagues. This isn’t about cutting people off; it’s about creating relationships that truly honor both individuals.
What are “Soft Boundaries”? Think of a boundary not as a wall, but as a fence with a gate. It’s permeable, allowing for connection, but it also defines where your space begins and ends. “Soft boundaries” emphasize a compassionate approach, both towards yourself and others, recognizing that setting limits isn’t about rejection, but about respect.
Why Women Struggle with Boundaries (and How to Shift It):
The Fear of Disapproval: We crave connection, and the idea of disappointing someone or causing conflict can be paralyzing.
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Shift: Recognize that healthy relationships thrive on honesty. True connection comes from being seen and accepted for who you truly are, needs and all. Disappointing someone now might prevent resentment later.
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The “Good Girl” Conditioning: Many of us grew up being praised for being accommodating and agreeable.
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Shift: Reframe “good” as “authentic.” It’s good to be kind, but it’s also good to be true to yourself. You are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
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Guilt and Self-Blame: After setting a boundary, guilt can quickly creep in, making us second-guess ourselves.
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Shift: Practice self-compassion. It takes courage to set boundaries. Remind yourself of why you needed to set that boundary (e.g., to protect your energy, to honor your time, to feel respected).
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Practical Steps to Setting Soft Boundaries:
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Start Small: Begin with low-stakes relationships or areas where you feel less emotional intensity. Maybe it’s saying “no” to an extra task at work or asking a friend to choose the restaurant next time.
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Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You always ask too much of me,” try “I feel overwhelmed when I take on extra tasks, so I need to say no to that right now.” This focuses on your experience, not blaming the other person.
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Be Clear and Concise: Don’t over-explain or apologize excessively. A simple, firm statement is usually best. “I’m not available at that time,” or “I’m not able to help with that right now.”
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Expect Pushback (and Breathe Through It): People are used to the “old” you. They might test the boundary. It’s okay for them to feel disappointed or even frustrated. Your job is to hold your boundary with gentle resolve.
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Prioritize Your Energy: Think of your energy as a finite resource. Boundaries help you allocate that resource intentionally, ensuring you have enough left for yourself and your most important connections.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-love that ultimately strengthens your relationships. By reclaiming your voice, you teach others how to respect your needs, paving the way for more authentic, fulfilling connections.
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